Andy, Chip, and Me

In a few days I will be attending my first real comic book convention in 24 years, and I'm nervous about it. Stupidly nervous. That really doesn't make any sense, as I have been excited about the con since the day it was announced. I will be one of thousands in attendance (I'll be the midde-aged, pudgy, balding guy in the black t-shirt and cargo shorts - if you see me, be sure to say "hi!") and could literally walk the convention floor without having to make more than a little small talk with a handful of people. I will be able to come and go as I please throughout the weekend. My schedule for this weekend is completely clear, so barring an emergency I won't have to rush to find want list items or meet one of the four dozen or so talented creators in attendance. My oldest son will be with me on Saturday, possibly both days. This will be his first real convention, and we plan on making this a fun day for both of us. I've saved my pennies and nickels for months and have enough to fill my want list, buy a few extra books, and maybe get a sketch or two. I literally have nothing to worry about.

That doesn't stop Andy from rearing his ugly head, though.

"Andy" is the name I've given to the irrational anxiety that pokes me with a stick in at random times (usually late at night) with absurd "what if" scenarios and often "suggests" that it would be best/safer/easier if I just stayed home and avoided public gatherings at all costs. (He often works in tandem with his buddy "Chip," Chip is the jerk that likes to remind me of each and every time I've been mocked, slighted, wronged, mistreated, or ripped-off. He's also an expert at fostering jealously. If they sound like a couple of obnoxious guys from every college-based 80s movie, that's because they are.)

The good news is that I've know Andy so long that he's predicable, at least in what he says. I'm also getting better at knowing when to expect him. He's on his game, though, as he's reared his ugly head a few times already.

"Do you REALLY want to go to this thing? It's going to be crowded and probably hot. Parking will be a pain, that's for sure. You probably won't find anything you want. Why don't you just order stuff online?"

And when I responded to a few Twitter posts asking if certain creators were planning to bring particular items - "already being kind of a pest, aren't you?"

I'm sure he'll show up during the con multiple times - "Should you be spending this much?" "Stop trying to impress this person...your jokes aren't funny." "That vendor is secretly mocking your purchases." "Groveling/oversharing a bit, aren't you?" "Quit holding up the line!"

But Andy won't win. I have a secret weapon.

I'm turning Chip against him.

Chip is pretty mad about all of the events we've missed, all of the conversations we've ended too quickly, all of the friends we haven't made, and all of the activities we haven't dared to do over the years because of Andy. He's had enough.

While they're fighting it out I plan to have a great time. And who knows? I'm willing to bet I'll run into another person or two who knows Andy and Chip. We won't mention that, though. We'll just recognize the signs and do our best to pretend they don't exist.